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<h1><a href="https://archiveofourown.org/works/25059541">What If</a> by <a class='authorlink' href='https://archiveofourown.org/users/we_have_no_bananas_today/pseuds/we_have_no_bananas_today'>we_have_no_bananas_today</a></h1>

<table class="full">

<tr><td><b>Category:</b></td><td>She-Ra and the Princesses of Power (2018)</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Genre:</b></td><td>Angst, Angst with a Happy Ending, Depression, F/F, Mild Language, Suicidal Thoughts, talking about suicidal thoughts</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Language:</b></td><td>English</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Status:</b></td><td>Completed</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Published:</b></td><td>2020-07-04</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Updated:</b></td><td>2020-07-04</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Packaged:</b></td><td>2021-05-18 02:55:20</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Rating:</b></td><td>Teen And Up Audiences</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Warnings:</b></td><td>No Archive Warnings Apply</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Chapters:</b></td><td>1</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Words:</b></td><td>1,519</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Publisher:</b></td><td>archiveofourown.org</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Story URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/works/25059541</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Author URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/users/we_have_no_bananas_today/pseuds/we_have_no_bananas_today</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Summary:</b></td><td><div class="userstuff">
              <p>‘What if Adora doesn’t love me?’ Catra thinks. </p><p>But Adora loves Catra so much it almost physically hurts.</p>
            </div></td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Relationships:</b></td><td>Adora/Catra (She-Ra)</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Comments:</b></td><td>8</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Kudos:</b></td><td>187</td></tr>

</table>

<a name="section0001"><h2>What If</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Author's Note:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
      <p>hello! I’m back. I know I just posted but I wrote this like over a month ago (at least) and just never posted. Might also post another one later :) <br/>Anyway I hope you guys like it, but just be warned that there ARE suicidal thoughts, from both characters. Thank you for reading &lt;333</p>
    </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>
  <em>
    <span>Why hasn’t she left yet?</span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <span>That thought echoes in Catra’s mind, taunting, torturing, strangling. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Some rational part of Catra’s brain tries to argue that maybe, just </span>
  <em>
    <span>maybe</span>
  </em>
  <span>, this isn’t a sick joke, and that Adora really does love her. She doesn’t listen. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>The thing is, she really wants to listen to that rational part. But what if.</span>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>What if Adora doesn’t love me. </span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>What if I’m an idiot for believing that when she said it.</span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>What if as soon as I think I am safe, the rug will be pulled out from under me and I will be left tumbling into darkness. Again. And again. </span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>What if this cycle never stops, and I’m to blame?</span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <span>Catra grips the blanket under her. She had taken all of the pillows and blankets from her and Adora’s bed and brought them to the balcony. They share a bed, yes, but not like back in the Horde. Now, Catra sleeps up at the head of the bed with Adora. Sometimes, if Adora asks and if she’s not feeling particularly cranky, they will cuddle. No matter how they fall asleep, though, they wake up with limbs tangled comfortably around each other.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Melog pushes open the door to the balcony with their nose and flops against Catra, startling her out of her train of thought. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Catra absentmindedly scritches the top of their head and rests her cheek on one of the cool metal poles that holds up the fence surrounding the balcony. </span>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>Surely this is all a dream? I don’t deserve a happy ending. I deserve only the pain and suffering that I have caused everyone on this gods-forsaken planet. Surely I will be ripped out of this happiness by reality.</span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <span>Melog meows softly, “This is real. You’re okay.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Catra huffs and pushes them off her lap. </span>
  <em>
    <span>Lies,</span>
  </em>
  <span> her mind hisses. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>She doesn’t notice she is crying until Melog lickes a tear off of her cheek with a scratchy tongue.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Go away, Melog,” she sobs, bringing her knees up to her chest. </span>
  <em>
    <span>This isn’t real. I’m such a fool to have believed that it was. </span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <span>“No,” Melog states. They sit down next to her, looking almost regal.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Catra sobs through her teeth and lies down on the lumpy pillows and blankets. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>What had even prompted this? Ah, yes, Adora had put a hand on her back. </span>
  <em>
    <span>To comfort her.</span>
  </em>
  <span> She had hissed and immediately realized her mistake, but it was already too late. Adora was looking at her with those big, scared eyes. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Catra decides that closing her eyes is worse than keeping them open. Because when she closes them all she can see is Adora’s terrified eyes. Looking at her. Because she scared her. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>And Catra had run so far so fast that Adora didn’t even have time to think.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Catra knows by now that if she goes out one of the outside doors and then scales the wall to get to her and Adora’s room, they will go straight to the Whispering Woods to look for her. That’s what she did. It gives her plenty of time to… think. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Think about how she hurt everyone. Think about how she knows that she should hurt herself because she knows she deserves it. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Stop,” Melog commands. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Please go away,” Catra sobs again. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Not until you stop feeling scared.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I’m not scared!” Catra snaps, then slaps a hand over her mouth. “I-I’m sorry, Melog. I’m sorry. P-please just leave, before I hurt you, too.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Melog just lays their head on their paws. “You won’t hurt me, child. You are only hurting yourself.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“N-no, I… I hurt everyone. You weren’t there.” She shudders as she remembers raking her claws down She-Ra‘s— </span>
  <em>
    <span>Adora’s</span>
  </em>
  <span> back.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“You forget, Catra, that I can feel all of these emotions that you are feeling, Imay not have been there, but know how you feel about this past-you. This you is different. The old you was scared of feeling vulnerable because your beloved left. This you is still scared, but you have people to help you and stand by you. You—“ </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“But when they leave—“ </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“They won’t,” Melog interrupts.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“</span>
  <em>
    <span>When they leave,</span>
  </em>
  <span>” Catra continues, still shaking, still sobbing, “I’m going to </span>
  <em>
    <span>miss them.</span>
  </em>
  <span> And I don’t want to.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Melog pads over to Catra and pushes their head against her cheek, wiping away the tears that haven’t already fallen down to her chest. “I know,” they purr, ”that it seems that way.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>It seems like they are going to say more, but then Adora, Glimmer, and Bow burst into the room. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Melog immediately disappears, and Catra looks down to find that she is invisible as well. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>The group looks around to make sure Catra isn’t there, and then Adora bursts into tears, throwing herself on the bed. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“What do I do!?” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I don’t know,” Glimmer admits. Catra feels a pang of jealousy as Glimmer rubs Adora’s back.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Every time I think I’m getting somewhere, every time I think she gets how much I love her, I fuck up and she gets scared!” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Adora, I don’t think it’s your fault—“ </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I don’t want her to think that I’m going to abandon her again! I did it once, and I barely got through it! I was ready to kill myself because I thought she hated me!” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“We all know how self-sacrificial you were, Adora. It’s okay—“ Bow starts.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“No, that’s not it. Before… before she came back. Before she saved you” —she glances at Glimmer— “and when I thought that she hated me, I… I didn’t…” Adora pauses, wrapping her arms around the knees that she had brought up to her chest. “I only stayed alive ‘cause I knew the whole world needed She-Ra. I didn’t… I didn’t want to be here.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Glimmer and Bow sit in shocked silence, and Catra has to bite her tongue to keep a sob from slipping out. </span>
  <em>
    <span>Oh, Adora.</span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <span>Adora continues, “And I can’t lose her again. I don’t want her to feel like I did. I don’t want her to feel unloved. ‘Cause I love her so much.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Adora, why didn’t you tell us you felt like that?” Bow asks softly. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I don’t know. I just… it’s over, now, I just wish that I could stop fucking up. And that she knows how much I love her.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Catra’s heart breaks a little. </span>
  <em>
    <span>I love you too,</span>
  </em>
  <span> she wants to scream. </span>
  <em>
    <span>And you didn’t fuck up, that was me.</span>
  </em>
  
</p><p>
  <span>“What even prompted her to run like that?” Glimmer asks.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I-I put my hand on her back, and she got surprised, I guess. She hissed at me, and… and I was so scared that I had hurt her. I guess she thought that… that I was scared of her? But I’m </span>
  <em>
    <span>not,</span>
  </em>
  <span> and I don’t want her to think that I am. ‘Cause I know how much that would hurt her.”</span>
</p><p><span>Neither Bow nor Glimmer say anything, and it gives Catra a chance to think. </span><em><span>She… wasn’t scared of me?</span></em> <em><span>She was just scared of hurting me?</span></em></p><p>
  <span>“Adora cares about you more than you think,” Melog meows, quietly enough that only Catra can hear. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Will you guys just…go? I don’t mean it to be mean, I just need to be alone for a little bit. If Catra comes back, tell her I want to talk to her,” Adora says quietly.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Glimmer and Bow nod and leave with a glittery</span>
  <em>
    <span> poof.</span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <span>As soon as they’re gone, Adora breaks into hiccuping sobs. She doesn’t say anything as she bawls into a pillow, but Catra knows what she’s thinking. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>She gets up and steps into the room, cheeks still wet, eyes still red and puffy, shoulders still shaking a bit.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Adora doesn’t notice that Catra is there until she starts to climb up on the plush bed. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>She jumps, and turns to find a crying Catra lying down beside her. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Wh- um, how?” Adora stutters, her voice thick and her ponytail a giant mess. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I heard what you said,” Catra explains sheepishly, her voice equally thick. “I was outside. On the balcony with Melog.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“O-oh.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Catra wraps her arms around her girlfriend. “I’m sorry.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“No, I’m sorry,” Adora says. “I—” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I get it, Adora,” Catra cuts her off. “I understand. You are not in the wrong here. But… please… can we just… cry?” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Adora looks at her for a moment, then tears well up in her eyes and she buries her face in Catra’s shoulder and nods. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>They cry together, holding each other so tight it almost hurts, afraid to let go. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>At some point, maybe after minutes, maybe after hours, the sobs die down. Catra lifts her head from Adora’s shoulder once it feels like she can’t possibly cry any more. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I love you.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I love you, too.” And the weary but </span>
  <em>
    <span>so, so loving </span>
  </em>
  <span>look that Adora gives her makes her think that maybe, just maybe, she doesn’t have to worry about ‘what if Adora doesn’t love me’. Because she does. Catra can tell. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>If this isn’t real? She might as well enjoy it while it lasts. And if it is real? Then she is the luckiest person in the entire world. </span>
</p>
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